Exhaustion - Guest Post by Karen

One of the things I missed by not having biological children was being awakened every two hours by a hungry newborn.

The closest I ever came to that schedule was the 8 days I spent on a long distance sailboat racing team.  A schedule of 4 hours on, followed by 4 hours off, translated into 3 hours of sleep every 5 hours -- except it was too light to actually sleep during the day. 

In the same way, the newborn life must be a grueling existence. Exhaustion. Utter and complete exhaustion.

Although she wasn't a newborn, Becky, adopted at 14 months, had a really tough time sleeping as an infant. 

Then came Katie, adopted at age 4  -- up every single morning by 5:15 am (maybe, if we are very, very lucky, it's 5:30).

I am almost 50,  and if I don't get my 8 hours of sleep every night, I look like I didn't get my 8 hours of sleep. Being perfectly honest here -- the thought of a child who would sleep through the night and maybe even sleep in greatly appealed to this sleep deprived mom. With an older child, at least I wouldn't be making negative progress, decreasing what little sleep I was already experiencing.

Which brings me to Cami.

Cami, adopted last year at age 9, sleeps well. She goes to bed when Katie and Becky do at 7:00 every night. She sleeps till 6:30 or 7 every day -- when the other girls are already awake. Yeah!  Maybe there is more sleep in my future?

But I am more tired than ever.

Here's what I did not count on -- the emotional energy expended on parenting my older adopted child far exceeds anything I have ever experienced. From the moment I hear her footsteps coming down the hall in the morning till she is tucked in bed and soundly asleep, I am on alert. High Alert. Code Red Alert.

Is she regulated?

Does she feel connected?

What will derail her before breakfast?

It's hard enough to parent any child struggling with the drama and hormones of the preteen years. When you navigate those same waters with a child whose fear trigger is super sensitive and whose window of stress tolerance is very small, it's a veritable mine field that requires full and complete concentration.

A lapse in attention to this landscape for even a moment can result in a monumental meltdown over the lack of a certain breakfast cereal. You must be aware of every single word out of your mouth -- watching sibling conversations as well -- and you have to think about every single thing. You can NEVER let your guard down. It saps every ounce of energy out of you every single day.

Recently, about a week before the end of school, Cami began getting very irritable with everyone. She was short tempered and at times downright nasty to us and her siblings. It came to a full boil the morning of Katie's graduation -- which was also Cami's last day of school. She fussed and carried on throughout the graduation -- rolling on the floor during the presentation, whining and fussing.

As I walked her into her school later that morning, I asked her, "Do you know what summer vacation is? Do you know what the last day of school means?"

Her answer: "No."

For the past week, we had been talking about these things in the general conversation -- and they are good and happy things. Things to be celebrated. A time to have fun. Only she didn't know that. Consequently, her fear radar was triggered, and those fears manifested themselves in less than pleasant behaviors.

Every.  Single.  Thing.  Every. Single. Day.

It is utterly and thoroughly exhausting.

Recently, a fellow mom of older adoptees shared an interesting perspective. She had been up late several nights in a row dealing with some fallout like ours.

"I guess this is making up for all those newborn nights I didn't get with her," she said.  

Then, the same week in church, these verses:

Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Here is what I realized -- my exhaustion is not really from the journey I am on. I am tired because I am trying to walk this path in and of my own self.  I think that because I reach out to friends for support, read a few books on the subject, and confess my weakness in parenting, that I am not suffering from the sin of independence.  But I am. 

These good and necessary activities will not relieve the exhaustion. Neither will two or three nights of straight through 10 hour sleeps (although I would be willing to give that a try)!

I need to trust Him that this is where He wants us. He gave us clear confirmation through this journey that all these children were to become part of our family. The evidence is there.

I need to trust Him that He is in this with us. He has provided what we needed -- when we needed it -- through the adoption process, the medical journey and our educational trials.  Evidence again that He provides.

I need to trust Him that we will make progress. We have come so far with Katie, so there is hope for Cami. More evidence.

Sounds like this might be a "me" problem.

Cami, with her dad, after a recent surgery 

So this morning, as I hear the footsteps come down the hall, I will commit this child's healing to Him, and ask for His strength to sustain me. I will whisper His name when the meltdown appears on the distant horizon. I will mutter the scriptures that promise hope and healing and strength. I will play my praise music loudly and sing joyfully when I feel like hiding in the closet crying.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains.

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm —

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Karen's three beautiful girls!

Thank you, Karen, for such a raw and honest, yet hope-filled post!  One of my biggest joys in our adoption journey has been getting to know women like Karen.  Although we've never met in person, she's encouraged me over and over again to look at Wenxin's behavior with eyes of informed compassion.  You can read more of Karen's adoption journey at her blog, Casa de Alegria.

What are your thoughts?  Feel free to post comments for Karen on the form below.  


If you liked this post, you might also enjoy this one on building trust in older child adoption.