Older Child Adoption is Hard

"After the adoption, if we could have found another more suitable family to take him, if we could have done it without hurting him further -- we would have considered that."

"Be prepared for learning issues.  It's easy to take the skill of logical thinking for granted."

"This is going to be hard.  It will be different from what you expect.  Your newly adopted son may bite you."

Older child adoption is hard.  The above quotes come from three actual conversations I had with three different adoptive moms the summer before we traveled to China to adopt Wenxin.

It was sobering.  I expected each one to say it was hard, but some of the things they shared were not just hard, they were harsh.  These moms loved their adopted children.  They cared about waiting kids.  They were pro-adoption.  However, having lived the hard parts of older child adoption, they refused to lie. I thought the lady who mentioned biting was a nut case -- until I was actually bitten.  Thankfully, that only happened once.

Older child adoption is hard.  It can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't lived it.  That's why I tell stories.  Stories give a glimpse of what older child adoption looks like in real life.  And honestly, it's aways a mixed bag -- so many sweet times -- and so many exhausting struggles.  When Wenxin had been home about a week, I wrote a post called The Ups and Down and All Arounds.  It's a great snapshot of the early days of our adoption, so I'm reposting it here today.

This made my day.

Wenxin let me teach him how to write his name in English and then. . . he drew our family. First, there's Mike, and then me in the green. I love the details - Mike and I holding hands with a heart between us. Next, holding on to my leg, is Wenxin. Then Nathan and Katherine. Finally, Julia - squeezed in between Mike and me.

Looks like big ears run in our family.

That sweet drawing put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

We didn't start off so well.

This morning I tried to have "story-time" for Katherine and Wenxin. I picked fun, simple English books. I read Dr. Seuss's Hop on Pop in my silliest dramatic voice.

It was going really well. Wenxin was engaged. He was laughing.

And then he began to grab for the book. I said, "No," and continued to read and hold the book up for both kids to see. More grabbing. . . and then whining. When I insisted on holding the book, Wenxin turned his back to me and sat facing the other way. Then he walked off. Poor Katherine was left having to listen to Hop on Pop. Wenxin walked past us a time or two and made vomiting noises in our direction. Then he ran by and slapped Katherine on the top of the head. Mike and I intervened and gave Katherine lots of loving and had Wenxin apologize to her.

Our days have lots of ups and downs.

Yesterday, we learned that Wenxin enjoys jigsaw puzzles.

It's the first thing I've found that he enjoys doing by himself.

A highlight of today was writing letters and numbers in shaving cream.

The winner for the low point of the whole past week was the first day we tried to take Wenxin to the doctor. I say "first day" because it took two tries before we actually got him there.

I'd called our pediatrician to schedule a post-adoption check up for Wenxin. While we were on the phone I mentioned he was running a fever. (I don't freak out about fevers when kids otherwise feel fine. I was not planning on taking him to the doctor.)

Since Wenxin was just adopted from overseas, the doctor wanted to see him right away. I called Mike to come home from work to stay with the other kids while I took Wenxin to his appointment. Then I made a fatal mistake. I asked Mike to explain to Wenxin where we were going.

We bought a cool toy in Beijing. It's a pen that reads special books in both English and Mandarin. Mike got the vocabulary book and touched the word that said, "sick." Wenxin listened to the word for sick in Mandarin and agreed that he felt sick. Then Mike said, "Mama will take you to the _____," and he touched the word for "doctor."

Wenxin immediately began to say "no" over and over. He began to touch his head and say, "Mama, no ouch!" He smiled his biggest smile to show me he was just fine. Then, when we continued to put on his shoes, he went berserk!

We'd get one shoe on, and the other shoe would go flying across the room. He was sobbing and fighting and clawing. It became clear that there was no way I'd be able to drive him safely to the doctor.

So I called the doctor and cancelled.

When Wenxin became convinced he was out of danger, he began to say, "Mama - sleep please."

The calm after the storm

The next morning, Mike and I packed a backpack full of toys and snacks and drinks, and together, we took Wenxin to see the doctor. We decided it was a "two parent" job. We decided not to announce exactly where we were going. And this time, he did great. We're learning.

More snapshots of older child adoption in real life:

Conversations That Wear Me Out

Off to a Shaky Start at Kids Camp

Pass the Grace, Please

Building Trust

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