"Adult adoptees are a primary source for knowledge about adoption as an institution. Their perceptions are unique, for adult adoptees are actually the only persons who can tell us what it is like to live adoption in a society in which most people are not adopted." -Child Welfare League of America
In yesterday's Blogoholics Anonymous, I included a post by an adult adoptee.
I'm finding, however, that a lot of adoptive parents don't want to read that stuff. It's negative.
We're happy with our families formed through adoption. We feel blessed.
Adult adoptees, on the other hand, can come across so angry. They come across angry, when they ought to be grateful. . . ummm, should they be grateful?
Angry or grateful?
In Are We Like Those Slave Owners? my eleven year old biological son, Nathan, asks some tough questions about how Wenxin might feel about this whole adoption business. (This story occurred when Wenxin had been home about six months.)
Think about it. Should adopted kids feel more grateful than other kids? What do you think? **The clues to what I think are in the post: Are We Like Those Slave Owners? And be sure to read the comments. This is one of those cases where the comments are better than the original post.
Of all people, adoptive parents should be ones listening to adult adoptees and the first ones to stand up to the "angry" and "ungrateful" stereotypes of adoption. :-) Why? Because we have parents who are just like you, who love us as much as you love your kids, and want us to be understood as much as you want your kids to be.
ReplyDeleteAdoptees, like any human being, should be able to talk about their expiences and
perceptions as well as their opinions without hearing the "angry" label. When we are called "angry" it is often a microagressive way of just saying "be quiet, you're irrational and therefore don't count." Most of the time, adult adoptees are not really angry. It's the lens adoption culture gives people to view adoptees through that makes them *appear* angry.
Should I be more grateful to my parents for being my parents than other adult daughters are to their own that are not adopted? I say no. As a parent, I do not ask my children to be grateful to me for doing my job. I chose to become a parent
My children are worthy of love, care, and support. I see my own parents as being no different. Love, care, and a family are basic human rights of all children. It is not luck or good fortune to receive these things as a child. It is justice. I am no more grateful for having my human rights met as a child than anyone else is simply because I am adopted.....because being adopted makes me no less human than anyone else.
Thank you for linking to and listening to adult adoptees. People will listen to my advice as a mother, as a professional, and in many other contexts. Yet when adoption is concerned, I am undervalued because of my place in the triad. This is yet another biproduct of the adoption lens our society views adoptees through--perpetual, overly emotional, children who cannot be taken seriously. Thank you for listening :-)
Amanda - I cannot tell you how happy I am that you commented. Please know that I chose extreme stereotypical words like "angry" and "grateful" to make a point and to hopefully draw out comments.
DeleteThanks for reiterating that adopted children shouldn't "feel lucky" just to be in the family. My biological kids take being in this family for granted. I don't want my adopted son to be the one who has to always feel particularly grateful.
I can understand why you feel undervalued when you speak on adoption, but by all means, keep speaking. You have a clear voice, and it might surprise you how many of us are actually listening.
Thank you, Dana.
DeleteI figured you were using those particular words to make a point and draw out comments. I was not offended at all by the wording you chose or the way you wrote this post. I am hoping that the adoptive parents who read this post and your blog will be receptive to your kind words.
Dear Dana, One of my adult students who adopted a child from Russia is having quite a time with the child's negative reaction. She often says, "Why didn't you leave me where I was?" and questions/comments along that line. She has turned their home upside down with her resentment, etc. They are thinking about taking advantage of a program where these families can take their adoptive children back to the orphanage, and the surrounding area to see where they came from. I think the resentment is mostly teenage stuff she is going through right now, but I can't explain the adult adoptees resentment unless it is toward the parents who gave them up. E.
ReplyDeleteI think what we have to be sensitive to, is that although this child may be in a better place than she was in Russia -- she has a nice place to live, and plenty of healthy food to eat, tons of clothes, a good education, excellent medical care and two parents who love her -- she has still experienced so much loss in her life. She lost her first family and may not know anything about them. I can't imagine how hard that is. She lost her culture and probably her first language. I think just showing her how much better off she is here may be missing the heart issue. My guess is that she needs her parents to accept the fact that she has lost so much in life and let her grieve. I'm not sure anyone can "fix" it, but I think it's easier to come to acceptance if you are supported by people who love you and acknowledge your losses.
DeleteI'm not a psychologist or therapist by any means. But I think seeing an adoption-competent one might be in order. I was never disruptive or destructive as a child. But I did scream the "you're not my real mom" phrase at my mother on several occasions during heated conversations about what I could or couldn't do. This was not a result of not seeing how much better my life was or wasn't at that present moment. I was issuing her a challenge. I wanted her to prove she loved me and that she wouldn't leave no matter what I said or did. I needed to know I was worth something to her.
DeleteAs Dana pointed out, having a good life does not mean someone cannot feel pain or express losses. If all losses went away just because good things also happen to people, the problems of the world would be much easier to fix.
I am not sure grateful is a word I would use. For my adopted kids, they are adopted because there were some pretty tragic circumstances - so should they be grateful for that? Should they be angry at us for "trying to take the place of their parents"? I think it comes down to adoptive parents being VERY realistic and supportive no matter what their emotions are - and helping them live with them and understand them. Who am I to tell my kids they should feel grateful? Or angry? Or even loved? They feel what they feel. From. what I have read from adult adoptees, a lot of their anger comes from simply people no acknowledging the validity of their feelings and telling them what they should feel.
ReplyDeleteI agree so much, Karen, that we can't tell someone how they should feel. One of the reason I read adult adoptee blogs is to familiarize myself with common threads in the experience of adopted persons. My child may or may not experience the same feelings -- his feelings will be his own. But since I was not adopted, I just want to be more tuned in to adoption from the perspective of an adopted person.
DeleteHi Dana,
ReplyDeleteI'm a 61-year-old adoptee, and I hope you will read my post An Open Letter to Adoptive Parents at Family Ties, my blog: http://nanadays.blogspot.com/. Please distribute it to all the adoptive parents you know, because to reform adoption for the better, we really need to hear more of your voices. I have empathy for all parties in the adoption circle, but the rights of the adoptee should not come in dead last. I also loved my adoptive family deeply, as you will see from my posts. But the law truly does treat adult adoptees like second-class citizens. Thanks for reading!
Susan, I am honored to have you comment on my blog. I just read your Open Letter to Adoptive Parents. Thanks for sending the link:
Deletehttp://www.nanadays.blogspot.com
I think a lot of people are uninformed about certain aspects of adoption so I'm so thankful that you're willing to speak out as an adult adoptee.
To answer your direct question, no I don't believe adopted children/adults should be more grateful than other kids. I want my biological kids (3) and my adopted kids (3) to be thankful in life because of who Jesus Christ is for them, realizing that Jesus understands intimately all their emotions.
ReplyDeleteI am not adopted, but I can offer statements from adoptive adults I know. One friend posted on Facebook, "Happy Gotcha Day to me! Yes, I still celebrate it. So thankful for the family God had for me!" and she has personally shared with me her awe in God's hand placing her. And another...a missionary was visiting our church and met our first adopted son. He said to me, "I was adopted at age ten. I'm so glad a family took me in." This statement came at the perfect time as we were deciding to adopt our older son, as did the timing of your blog (via Aly) into our path during our decision.
I soak up all information concerning the feelings of my beloved adopted children and pray for their birth mothers. I want to understand and validate their feelings of grief and loss. But for the areas we adoptive parents miss or didn’t read-up enough, I believe my Saviour can make a difference in their lives with their feelings (if they allow Him) as Christ can fill any void I cannot.
The testimony of Moses in the light of our adoptions surely brings new meaning. He was abandoned at birth by a loving birth mother who saved his life under cruel circumstances beyond her control. Moses definitely had anger issues...but God.
Thanks you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and insights. I love it when people take the time to comment.
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