International adoption, domestic adoption, foster care… how
your precious little one came to you is a unique road. We have temporary
custody of “Anna” because her parents are not able to care for her at this
time. (One of her parents is mentally ill, the other not a suitable parent at
this time.)
Anna is hilarious and zany, keeping us busy and laughing at
the same time. We are blessed to have these moments of comic relief with her –
parts of her little personality untouched from neglect and emotional abandonment.
But like most three year olds, her disposition can change at the drop of a hat,
because of normal three-year-old frustrations and fears. Add to that Anna’s
confusion of living with six different families during her second year of life.
And the fear of waking up in yet another new household, where they have new
rules, new smells, new ways of doing things, new words, new clothes, new
sleeping quarters… I was constantly asking myself what she had been through and
how I could make the transition into a new family easier for her. It was
becoming obvious to me that I would never know, and Anna would never be able to
verbalize her past in words, though.
Her silent cries for stability, for routine, for extra
nurturing (and a few meltdowns) led me to inquire of Dana. I seemed to remember
something about meltdowns, unspoken needs and the ambiguity of it all in one of
her posts. She suggested a book entitled The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family by Karyn Purvis, David Cross and Wendy Sunshine,
which I purchased immediately on Amazon.com. I was desperate for answers.
In retrospect, it all makes sense. The indiscriminate
talking to strangers; the panic and ensuing tantrums if she was not allowed to
drink milk all day, for every meal; the fear of being strapped in a car seat; the waking up all night to see if she was still in the same household. At first
it was quite confusing to me, though.
After reading The
Connected Child, I now understand that she may wake up in the middle of the
night because she may be hyper vigilant, feeling the need to monitor her
circumstances more than a normal child. I now understand that she may reach out
to strangers more than a normal child because she may have found the adults in
her younger years unreliable. She has learned this as a survival technique to
get her needs met.
I read the book intermittently, over a period of time, but I
felt encouraged every time I set the book down. I have underlined so many
things in The Connected Child. I am
sure I will read it again. (Explaining to Anna why I am writing on nearly every
page of this book and she isn’t allowed to mark on her books has been
interesting.)
Although the book goes beyond regular parenting, it is also
basic enough for the first time parent, like me. Not everything applied to
Anna, because her case is perhaps mild compared to what some children have been
through. (The book does mention outside resources that would be helpful to a
parent dealing with an older child or one with more pronounced issues.)
The example dialogues were especially appealing and helpful
to me, perhaps because I am more of a visual and kinesthetic learner. There is
an emphasis on playful dialogue that is non-threatening to an at-risk child,
but the book also gives techniques to help correct unhealthy behavior – a hard
balance to find. This is very important to a child that may be overly sensitive
to corrective words because they are not yet secure in their family
relationships.
The scripts for dealing with anticipated challenging social
situations were also very helpful. You know, those situations in public where
you look absolutely ridiculous because you have absolutely no control over your
child or the situation. One of the best things about the book, though, is that
it did not promote miracle fixes. I didn’t feel overwhelmed while reading it. I
felt the book encouraged me to view our circumstances as a learning process –
for me, as well as for Anna.
Although you look back at the road that brought your adopted
or foster child to you with satisfaction, knowing they have been rescued from a
bad situation, your child may not feel rescued yet. The Connected Child illustrated for me ways to help Anna feel safe.
I am thankful I was desperate enough to ask for help and had a friend introduce
me to this book.
I love that Anna is outgoing and friendly, but I do hope
that one day she is this way simply because she wants to be and not because she
fears her needs won’t be met. I see lots of signs that she is learning
healthier patterns and is attaching in healthy ways.
Thanks, Laura, for taking the time to review The Connected Child for us. Anna is a beautiful child, and I'm so happy she has a sensitive, resourceful, mom like you!
I am about halfway through I reading this book - it is required by our adoption agency as part of the homestudy process. It has been very insightful to read in theory; glad to hear it has been helpful in practice :-)
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