"We already had a large family when we felt God's call to adopt. We adopted one child after another, several children in the space of a few years. Now I could spin this story in a way that makes it look sacrificial and super-spiritual. But in reality, it was just plain reckless." (paraphrase of an adoptive father speaking at Empowered to Connect)
One thing that struck me at Empowered to Connect was the honesty and humility of the speakers. No one tried to whip us into a frenzy to run out and save all the world's orphans. It seemed deliberately low key.
What was emphasized was the cost of adoption. Not the monetary cost. The day I spent at Empowered to Connect, that was hardly mentioned. The cost I'm talking about is the cost of investment parenting. The kind of parenting that takes a lot of time and possibly a lot of re-learning on the part of the adoptive parents.
It was even suggested that, if possible, we bring home one child at a time. I don't think anyone was saying that's a hard and fast rule. Especially when fostering, there are sibling groups that need to stay together. So please don't think I'm criticizing you if you are in the process of adopting two or more kids at once. But prospective adoptive parents need to be aware of how much emotional energy it will take to parent a child from the hard places.
It sounds spiritual to say, "there's always room at my table for one more," especially with the staggering number of children needing homes. But in reality, when we adopt more children than we can actually parent, we run the risk of creating a home that is more like a small orphanage than a family.
I admit I still sit up late at night scrolling through photos of waiting children, both here in U.S. foster care and overseas in orphanages. I find myself wondering if we'll ever adopt one more.
The Empowered to Connect Conference actually encouraged me to take the time to invest deeply in the four children God has given me today. Maybe when these kids are grown we will foster or adopt teenagers. Many of the waiting kids in my state are teens.
But for today, I think our parenting plate is full.
What about you? I know many of you have large families. When do you say, "No," to adopting one more?
My husband and I are wrestling with this right now (we currently have 3 kiddos, 1 adopted). I know in my heart there is a 4th child that belongs in our family and I think he truly does too, but trying to discern when the process should begin again is another story entirely.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely something that struck me, both at ETC and at the professional TBRI training she did that I was at last October. Dr. Purvis actually went a bit further into it at TBRI... she said that it'd be controversial for her to say (especially to a big room of adoption professionals) but that sometimes it's even better to break up a sibling group, especially with larger groups of siblings or if the children come from especially hard places, because when it comes down to it a child can live without a sibling but cannot live without a parent. The heart behind it all, as you've stated well here and your last post, is that it takes so much incredibly intentional and hard work to catch a child up to "normal" from the places they're coming from that it's almost impossible to do well to more than one child from the hard places at a time. It shocked me to hear her say this, especially as we have so many sibling groups we work with in my job, that I talked with her a bit to clarify further. It really is such a hard thing, either way you look at it, and it really makes me resonate with the passage from Romans 8 that talks about creation groaning in waiting in hope for redemption.
ReplyDeleteGreat topic! Great question! The question begs more questions. It may depend on whom you are saying no to. Is it God calling? And how does one know it is God calling to adopt one more? We should not misquote God because it sounds good.
ReplyDeleteDo both parents 100% desire and feel peace to adopt one more; or rather, is just one parent driving the question while the other is passive? I’ve read blogs of moms expressing how it took a long time for their husband to “finally” come around, after the wife advocates endlessly.
Do you feel someone is missing? (like the commenter above) Do you want to adopt one more? Decisions cannot be made solely on feelings for certain, yet I do believe desire has a role as God places desires in our hearts that are His.
How important is it for adopted children to have siblings who share the same culture?
There will not be a universal recipe for saying “no” for all families since there are so many factors. Each family is unique and although we can learn from others, we cannot compare. Some might look at our family of eight (6 kids) and think we have too many, and one might look at a family of twelve and think the same thing! Because God has given all of us different personalities, gifts and stamina levels, we cannot use solely as criteria how many children are already in a home. God can give us the grace, strength and wisdom we need to parent “one more”…if it is the right decision.
The bottom line, that you are right in highlighting, is that the decision should not be made lightly…or recklessly. For us, we went into the decision of adopting the first time knowing we wanted to adopt two. Thankfully, our first adopted child was "easy" so the decision to start the process again was easier to make. Our third was just a bonus…a baby girl among five big brothers…who could say “no” to that? ☺
What an excellent post. It met me right where I am. Thank you for sharing the wisdom that you received at the conference.
ReplyDeleteExcellent thoughts to ponder. We are traveling soon for two, and already my heart has begun wondering about a third... I'll take this and give it very, very careful consideration. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I'd add is that it seems to me that different people have different capacities for this type of parenting. And I think that's OK. I just think it's important to be realistic about your own situation and make sure that you have the capacity to do "investment parenting" with each child you bring into your family.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine there is any parent who isn't overwhelmed and wondering if they are up to task at some point, whether they have ONE or TEN children. I know I have felt that from the early days to now. I had a parent of one child tell me how exhausted she was and asked me if I was tired? I said sure but I'm not ten times more tired, just the same tired all parents encounter along the way.
ReplyDeleteETC definitely painted a cautionary tale in continuing to adopt children from hard places. And I know there is chatter about how they did it. I can't say the words "reckless" and "tribe" didn't pierce my soul. But I wonder if they had toned down the message, would it have had the same impact? As you have said, Dana, promoting discussion by balancing on the edge can be a very good thing.
"But in reality, when we adopt more children than we can actually parent..."
I am glad you added your comment above about different capacities. This comment I would push back on a bit. It begs the question, by whose measuring stick? I know a family who adopted three older kids from Russia and from the outside, they may not look like a "successful" family but if you knew the whole story and the hard work they did with what they started with (enormously damaged kids), success is completely redefined.
Great discussion. Thanks to 66BookMom for your thoughtful response.
I'm glad you commented, Jennifer, because from everything you write, you seem to have a large family where each child gets personal parenting. I'm not trying to put you on a pedestal, but it does seem to me that it's a very individual question.
DeleteAlso, thanks for grace about the "edginess" of the original post. Sometimes it takes an edgy statement to make people think and to get the conversation going.
DeleteI love a good debate. And happily, part of getting older is learning to agree to disagree and feel good about it. :)
ReplyDeleteJennifer, did Dr. Purvis talk more about this on Sat.? Or was it mostly on Friday?
DeleteYes, it came up again a few times on Saturday allowing me another squirm or two in my seat. The word "tribe" was used and she talked about getting help and listed some practical ways to ask for help, meals, rides for other kids, etc. Not sure if that was Saturday or Sunday.
DeleteIt's an important thing to consider. We are a host home with Safe Families For Children, and in addition to the 6 bio kids and one adopted child we have at home, we got 1,2&3 yr old sibs on Sunday. Giving everybody a piece of me means there's not much left at the end of the day, lol. How does one balance the need of many with the needs of few?
ReplyDeleteIf I might, having had this exact scenario (7 kids PLUS a 4 month, 1 & 2 year old sibs = LOTS of diapers), I'm not sure you do. Find the balance, that is. But we made peace with the journey and prayed that our family would be stronger in the long run. I think we have to be careful comparing adoption and foster care. In some ways, they are completely different. Foster care is often temporary and the short term sacrifice is usually worth the life changing rewards.
DeleteI DO caution other foster parents to be realistic about siblings. One foster child is a ton of work, but two or more is exponentially more. Two siblings is often ten times the effort because of all the dynamics that come with the dysfunction that led to the placement.
I am so thankful for people like you that have a burden for orphans. Father, speak to this woman, directly into her heart of hearts that she may discern your voice to her. Isaiah 30:21. Give her love to give when she feels her love is empty, give her extra grace to grace upon others, and refresh her when she is weary and worn. Thank you, God for her heart for children.
ReplyDeleteGreat points! I agree with you in terms of different families having differing capabilities. You have to really pray case by case.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I struggle with this question often. Right now - with our youngest (second) adopted child home only 6 months, I don't have any desire to adopt again. But a part of me feels guilty for saying that. I recently told my husband that I feel like I parent worse with each child we add (we have 3)... as I just feel so overwhelmed. I have friends who have adopted siblings, and I have to say I agree with Karyn that it is a decision that needs to be weighed carefully.
ReplyDeleteWe plan to look into adoption in the near future, it is such a mission to do so here in South Africa, that it may put me off adopting more than one child. But who knows what the future holds :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up with the Tuesday Baby Link-Up!
66bookmom really said what I was wanting to say. There will not be a universal recipe for saying “no” for all families since there are so many factors. Each family is unique and although we can learn from others, we cannot compare. Some might look at our family of eight (6 kids) and think we have too many, and one might look at a family of twelve and think the same thing! Because God has given all of us different personalities, gifts and stamina levels, we cannot use solely as criteria how many children are already in a home. God can give us the grace, strength and wisdom we need to parent “one more”…if it is the right decision.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing that I think is important is that I think it is good to be continually discerning. If you are going through a time where things aren't running smoothly with your family then put expanding the family on the back burner for a while. But later, you might want to revisit the decision. Sometimes we feel the need to get the future all planned out, but God might be saying "not now" instead of "all done."